i suck at life
i have about 25 cuts on my wrist after being si free for almost a month

Some of this I posted in ED recovery already, but I'll expand a bit more

I haven't been on here in a few weeks because I've been really busy - I started college and I'm doing really well with recovery! It is so refreshing to come here with no one knowing my past and relieving to know that I can react to this big change without using my ED to cope (or SI!!!!!!)! It is so wonderful to go to lunch with friends (yes friends!) to breakfast, lunch AND dinner and feel normal. I don't remember how long it has been since I have been anxiety-free at a meal with a group of people or in the grocery store! I'm back to a healthy weight and continuing to eat healthy too. I have seen a few girls who obviously have EDs and whereas that used to trigger me, now I feel a sense of compassion and sadness to them, but I hope/know they will find their way.

Also, I have not self injured in over 2 weeks - which is a big step for me. My goal is to not cut in college and I really hope I can make it!
THANKS FOR ALL THE HELP <333

this is the first timea in a afew months that i have ben drunk and not cut
isnt taht SWEAWWWWEESOMEEE?? im makin progres!!

so i realized today, as i was eating dinner, that i think i have recovered (at least for now) from my eating disorder. i ate three meals today, and i have been for the past month or so. i am no longer using food to cope with emotions and i'm no longer restricting. i still am a bit calorie-careful, but i actually think i am comfortable with eating again, finally!

as i have posted before, with my recovery from anorexia/bulimia, my si has gotten worse. i use one to cope with the other. but, today i am completely motivated to move on from one recovery (ed) to the next (si). someone told me once to try to take it day by day, which is what i plan on doing. so, today = cut free! i am confident that if i just set short term goals it will go well!!

sometimes writing it before i say it helps:

why i self injure:
when someone mentions something that gets me anxious, my mind starts racing a million miles an hour and i can't stop and clearly think. i need an immediate release from this awful anxiety, and somewhere along the way i found out that intentionally harming myself produces a calming effect. it doesn't hurt when i cut - i feel a release every time i do it. i also turn to self injury when i am feeling worthless, stupid, and undeserving. sometimes, it can be a physical punishment for doing something i don't think is good enough. either way, whenever my emotions are too intense for me to handle, the way i calm myself down and take away the anxiety is through cutting. i can't explain it any other way, and i know it sounds suicidal and dangerous but trust me it isn't. i have no intention of ending my life or causing perminent damage - it is just a temporary solution to help calm me down. i am not a danger to myself; i have this under control. i do realize that cutting is an unhealthy coping mechanism, and i would like to try to find alternatives to help me cope with overwhelming emotions. i am sorry to lay this on you and i hope i can trust you with keeping this between us. i've told you so that i can come to you if i need help.

my cutting has been getting so much worse the past few days - i have 6 new scars on my left wrist :(

the sad part is that i cut every time in the bathroom at a friends house. my anxiety level has been so high recently with leaving for college and worrying about future classes. it's scary how relieving cutting is and how much i rely on it to calm myself.

and only adding to my anxiety, one of my best friends won't get off my case about cutting. she doesn't exactly know that i do it (i've never come out and told her), but she keeps making references, asking to see my wrists for various reasons, and bringing it up. i want to tell her so badly - tell someone, but i am too afraid it would get back to my parents and i'd be royally screwed right before leaving for college.

i wish so badly that there was a way to cut without leaving a scar or a mark the next day. am i searching for recovery or another coping method? who knows. i can't do this anymore!

a typical cycle for me:
day 1: no food
day 2: maybe a ricecake or two
day 3: binge
day 4: back to original weight

why do i have to go through this awful cycle if it ends in the same weight result???? am i really planning on doing this for the rest of my life to control my weight? no! i refuse! it makes no sense!

so, i started examining WHY i do this type of thing. i just love the light-headendness and control of not eating. i don't crave food at all anymore, but my body usually takes over my mind by the 4th or 5th day. so for me, food is still something i hate and dispise and i still look at it like a chore.

some days i can go from being depressed to a complete state of joy, within the same hour. i have no idea why that is, but at least i can look forward to being happy at least once a day, instead of being stuck in a pit of depression for weeks like i used to feel.

food wise, i guess i'm still in "recovery" mode. i am eating plenty of calories, probably more than i need, and my weight has plateaued at about 15-17 pounds heavier than when i started recovery. i'm not going to lie and say that after nearly two months of recovery i suddenly love food, love my body, etc. i dread every meal, still count calories (though they add up to quadruple digits for the first time in a year), and i can't stand my body. luckily though, my ed no longer consumes my life. sure, i count calories, but i can also have a managable social life and i am learning to enjoy the activities i gave up when my eating disorder began. i am just anxious to know when the self confidence begins and when i will love my body. come faster!

i mean, so does everyone. but music can transform my mood completly; take me out of a deep depression or bring me into one. and i can listen to one song a million times and have it relate to my life a different way each time.

rebellion (lies) by arcade fire really struck me this afternoon. it's all about what is socially acceptable; what we choose to beleive and pass on to future generations no matter how untrue it is. if we keep up this faccade, we must hide what is real in our dreams and under the covers. but it us up to the listener to decide if it is the real world is a lie, or our dreams.

"Sleeping is giving in,
no matter what the time is.
Sleeping is giving in,
so lift those heavy eyelids.

People say that you'll die
faster than without water.
But we know it's just a lie,
scare your son, scare your daughter.

People say that your dreams
are the only things that save ya.
Come on baby in our dreams,
we can live on misbehavior.

Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!

People try and hide the night
underneath the covers.
People try and hide the light
underneath the covers.

Hidin' from your brothers
underneath the covers,
come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers."

xoxoxooxox

at around 9 pm tonight (after fasting all day), i had a massive binge, definatly over 1,000 calories. why can't i just eat a normal amount throughout the day (as in 3, 350 calorie meals)? why does it have to be all or nothing with me?

frusturating!

today was not good, recovery-wise. at work, my boss asked me and the other intern if it would be okay to work through lunch and eat what we brought while continuing on our project. because i'm always late and disorganized of coarse i didn't bring any lunch so i ended up skipping that meal. the worst part was i was too late to catch breakfast, so today was basically an unintentional fast. i'm dissappointed in myself a little bit because i was doing so well, but i'm more scared because i was happy i managed to get out of eating for 3 meals in a row. ugh i don't want to slip back into bad habits but sometimes i do....

i've been anorexic for 2 years and i'm finally on my way to recovery. that is a lot of change. i've been doing a lot of self relfecting relating to how my eating disorder developed and stayed with me for so long, and i think it has a lot to do with my fear of change. so how am i supposed to recover and change my body, habits, entire lifestyle when i have this irrational fear of change??? recovery is such a scary thought but i have alwas been envious of those who love their bodies even when bones aren't sticking out everywhere. will i ever be able to get to that point? and when does every single meal stop feeling like a binge? when does the guilt stop? urghh sometimes i just want to fast forward time until all my problems are gone, wouldn't that be ideal?